I have cancer. Or did have it. Or might have it. Or something in there. They found a tumor in my colon, they took it out and now I have to go through chemotherapy. I won’t bore you with the statistics, because I’m confused about them myself. There’s a percentage to five years, add so much for one chemo drug; whatever. My preference is to think of it as just another bump in the road of life, but this one is special because this one makes you think not that you will die one day, but that it’s possible that your appointment with the end is able to be calculated.
Thus, it makes grieving for the mistakes of the past as I’ve discussed even stronger, even sharper, even more real. It makes the need to find closure for those parts of your life that you never finished, or fixed, or reconstructed to your liking even stronger — strong enough to grab you in a most uncomfortable way — and make you hope you can complete them before the end. It converts angst into a life-consuming foreboding that intimates you may never get the chance to complete all that is left behind.
Right now I am at the beginning of this new fight and this new calendar for the rest of my existence. And this is just a short note to let you know that I will be chronicling them for you in the future. For now, it’s Sunday and I go for my first chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday. If you can, keep me in mind.
Vickie
January 24, 2011
Wow. This is pretty powerful stuff, Shaya. Maybe it was Hashem’s intention all along to get you to think about the meaning of your particular life and not really to end it prematurely. You are certainly on our davening lists and I imagine your name is being spread far and wide. Know that many people are thinking about you and routing for your complete healing. Just keep talking to the Man Upstairs and may your relationship with Him grow stronger and stronger. David and I are sending you all of our very best wishes!!
Lisa Bar-Leib
January 24, 2011
We echo everything Vickie said. And I think what you are doing with this blog is not only therapeutic and healing for you, it has the potential to have a powerful and positive impact on others going through a similar experience. The main thing is to stayas positive as you can be and use this opportunity to grow closer to Hashem.
You are in our thoughts and prayers as we daven for you for a complete and speedy refuah. And please let us know what we can do.