Speed Bump in the Road of Life

Old Me

I’m getting old.  Or maybe I’m already old.  I’m not sure.  But besides having some of the physical ailments of the old, I seem to have found my way to a syndrome which is normally encountered by people who are slightly younger and much richer than I am.

I’ve been suffering through a “funk” the last few months, and I couldn’t figure it out until I had a serious counseling session with myself.  That started me thinking about my sudden desire to find out about old friends, even high school girlfriends, wondering where they are and what has happened to them.  I even discussed this with my very understanding wife.

I came to an initial working name of “grieving my youth.”  And it’s not that I had such a wonderful glorious youth, but that’s as close as I could come to a scientific term.  Then I realized that what I first understood as “grieving my youth” can also be known as a midlife crisis, although those usually happen earlier in life and mostly to people who have some money.  Not that the money is necessary to get the syndrome, but the person’s use of their money is usually the first evidence to others that the person is stricken.

There are only a few old girlfriends whose faces I remember; actually one in particular.  But the most difficult “first step to recovery” was convincing myself that she/they no longer looked like that.  It was hard to accept that the “S” I knew and dated and consider my first girlfriend and who I went to the prom with has lived some 45 years since then,  has gone to college, has gotten married, has had children, and has grown to close to 60 years old with her husband.  She has lived a whole life without me, and I have lived a whole life without her.  Of course I wonder if her life has been as weird and interesting as mine has, but that’s another story.

So I went through the (short) list.  I remembered all of the “girls” I was fond of  in high school and one by one told myself, that even if I saw one of them now, it would not be my S or R or P or whoever, that my “version” of that person is long gone.  But the most earth-shattering news hit me when I found out that R, who I was quite fond of in high school and dated, is dead.  I found out quite accidentally and with no further information other than the realization that I could never contact her, speak to her or find out how her life had gone.  She’s dead, just as statistically some of the rest may soon be gone.  This started me thinking, it started an anxiety attack and it started me grasping for connections to that time and those people in my life.

High school was a terrible time for me.  I grew up with such a negative self esteem and lack of emotions that I was truly convinced that I was ugly and that no one even knew I existed.  So for most of that time I didn’t even try to have relationships.  By my senior year was slightly better, and I dated some freshmen and others who to my surprise said they would go out with me.

Things went fast after that.  At least now looking back on them they seem to have gone fast.  I met Miryam, got married, was in the Navy, had two children and got divorced.  (That, by the way, is a teaser for another story, how we were apart for fifteen years and came back together and remarried.)

But as I got to be 60 years old, there was a new technical world that I could use to take the place of what I missed in high school.  As usual, the Internet was not far behind the need, and it developed tools with which to exploit the “baby boomers’” desire to remember.  First came classmates.com and reunion.com and various alumni-gathering sites.  Then we poor memory-deprived old people came across (to my grandchildren’s disdain) Facebook.

Facebook is the modern day replacement for meeting and gathering with people for social interaction.  But we quickly found out that baby-boomers could find each other anywhere in the world and reestablish ancient relationships, even ones that happened only in our minds — or dreams — or fantasies.

I found L and J and others that I could never have had a relationship with as the “ugly” social reject that I was in high school.  Easing the pain of shyness now is a conscious recognition of the fact that these are people I’m not likely to ever meet in person again, being that I live some 6,000 miles away.  Not that I wouldn’t want to travel to the U.S. and meet them, only that’s probably never going to happen.

So what is the result of my “self-counseling” session?  Well, I certainly came out of it more positive about life.  I came out of it realizing the reality of the situation I have been punishing myself with.  I realized that the life I’m living now could be worse, and that I’m living with my loving and “long suffering” wife in the place where God says is the correct place for Jews to be.  Each and every day I appreciate the fact that where I am is due to a conscious decision to do what is right because it is right.  And I am thankful that He has brought me to the age of 61 in relatively good health, considering.

What about my “midlife crisis?”  I’m alive and I have my new/old friends and knowing them puts a little bit more of a smile on my face.  So there.  It’s not a crisis at all, and it’s certainly not “midlife.”  Just a speed bump in the road known as life.

Winter Wondering

Okay, so it’s been a while since I wrote on this blog.  First a personal update.  My ability to do computer work is slowly but surely going downhill.  My lovely wife says that it’s just old age, but I know it was given a large bump by that stroke I had.  Anyway, I’m trying to make a living wage but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon.

It’s winter.  Winter is the rainy season here, and although it doesn’t get as cold as the U.S. east coast, the cold combined with the high humidity makes it very uncomfortable.  Oh yeah — besides not having air conditioning we don’t have central heating either, so electric space heaters have to do the job — and sweaters.

But I do remember working in Jerusalem in the winter, and the getting on and off busses and walking to my workplace in the rain is something I don’t miss.  Working from home has that advantage, although seeing the same four walls every day is a bit boring and working for a third of the salary makes things tough.

So from what we hear the U.S. is having a problem with its economy.  So far Israel’s economy has not been affected, but we’ll see.  For some strange reason the dollar is up today compared to the shekel, so that is good because I get paid in dollars to do the transcription-typing work that’s paying the bills.  I had hoped to re-energize my web site design company, but it looks like that needs to be retired along with my previous brain power.

Something weird — I have been getting obsessed with things in my past — high school friends, names, trying to remember faces, songs etc.  Maybe that’s just part of growing old.  It certainly is weird seeing your mind start acting like a bunch of swiss cheese.  Maybe writing, which has always been something I have enjoyed, will help that some.  I don’t know.

But as much as I complain about the way we have to live as Israelis, and as much as I have an occasional yearning for WalMart, Radio Shack and Home Depot, it always comes back to the reason I left everything I’ve always known and moved to Israel.  And that is that it belongs to us, God gave this land to us, and unless we inhabit it, we will lose it again. It is our inheritance, and so here I am, doing the right thing, hopefully for the right reasons, and complaining like a true Israeli.

So Now What?

There was a comedy skit a while back on the television program Saturday Night Live in which a news commentator would say, “If it’s not this, it’s that. If it’s not that, it’s another thing.”  Or something like that.  Anyway, it is summer here in the Holy Land, and as happens each year when it gets in the mid 3o’s C (high 90’s F) the weather people say that it is a “heat wave.” Yeah, a 3-month heat wave called summer. It wouldn’t be so bad if it cooled off at night, but it doesn’t. And since houses here are made of rock/concrete/masonary, the few degrees it might cool off at night doesn’t help much.

What’s even worse is that I am no longer working. This time it isn’t Israel’s fault, or age discrimination, or anything like that — I happened to have had a “minor” stroke about a month ago. Physically I guess I am fine, but the ole’ 156 IQ problem-solving brain that made me a natural for computer programming isn’t working that way anymore. In my attempts to try doing the type of stuff I was doing at work, I found that I am no longer able to do the same sort of deep thinking necesssary to solve programming problems and “translate” an idea into computer code.  I can still do simple web development, and I’m trying to get some new customers for that now, but it’s slow going.  The doctors say that maybe in a few months I will be back to normal.  I’ll keep you posted.

If I was still working I would have used my next paycheck to buy at least one airconditioner.  The first one would go into our bedroom.  Not being able to sleep well for weeks at a time doesn’t do much for one’s disposition.

One more thing about summer in Israel — you have to make it practically a full-time job to drink water. Here they say that each person needs to drink 3 liters of water a day. Personally I think that is a little much, but in order to drink the 2 liters I do get down a day means having a bottle of water in front of me wherever I am, and sipping it constantly. With a 20% humidity I guess that is important.

As usual, there is an up side to the clear skies that means the danger of sunburn and dehydration — the skies at night up here on the mountain are the clearest, most star-filled skies anywhere. Staring at the universe at night is surely a way to understand how small and insignificant we are as humans, even as we attempt to do God’s will in conquering and settling this land that He gave to the Jews thousands of years ago as a perpetual inheritance.

So life goes on on this bump of rock on planet Earth, which is obviously better than the alternative.

Shaya

OK, So I’ve Been Busy — and Winter Blues

So I haven’t written on this blog in a while. But there’s a good reason. I’m finally working! It took me a year and a half to find a job, and then only with the help of Nefesh b’Nefesh. But I’m not only working full time, but in the one-and-only field that I’ve ever actually succeeded in. That’s computer programming. And this job combines that and what I’ve been doing for the last few years, which is web site development.

There’s only the two of us (myself and my wife Miryam) and so we finally have some economic breathing room for a change and able to maybe get some of the things we’ve been living without since making aliyah.

The first one of those things that we absolutely must get in a clothes dryer. If you aren’t in Israel or know something of the weather here, winter is miserable. Now, I’ve grown up with cold winters and I can handle snow. But a winter where the temperature is close to freezing and it is raining and extremely windy, THAT I don’t like. Sure, the “summer” is three-quarters of the year, but that 3 or 4 months of winter seems to go on forever. So hanging laundry outside on a clothes line is just about impossible in the winter. Even if it isn’t raining, it takes more than one day for things to dry because of the humid air. And of course if it rains while your clothes are hanging, you just have to leave them there until they are hanging on rainless days long enough to dry. And then there is the wind. No clothespins in the world can keep your laundry on the line in these winds.

So my first month’s salary went to paying off bills we owed that we couldn’t pay before. Half of this second month’s salary is going to go to buying a dryer. Maybe some day we’ll get a dishwasher. We knew before we made aliyah that we would have to do without much of the things we took for granted in the U.S., but we obviously didn’t think of everything.

So I’m looking forward to summer, looking forward to getting a clothes dryer, and starting to wonder what will happen in a few years when I get too old to spend and hour and a half each way to take a bus to and from work. That’s right. My job is in Jerusalem, and my community is only 6 miles north of Jerusalem, but it takes an hour and a half to get there.

That brings me to the only thing I actually miss about living in Israel. Having a car. It’s not only that we can’;t afford to buy a car. Maybe some day we will be able to do that. Butthe cost of maintaining a car here, including the licensing and registration, is ridiculously high. And the last time I looked the gasoline here was the equivalent of $6 a gallon. Maybe I can some day get a motor scooter. It might be a little dangerous driving a motor scooter between here and Jerusalem (past Arab villages, etc.) but that should at least be less expensive to run. And it would certainly simplify things like grocery shopping.

I know I am babbling now, so I’ll sign off for now and hope to have something new and interesting to talk about some time soon.

Shaya

Dust Storms and Purim Danger

A few months ago we experienced our first dust storm since making aliyah. We’d heard of dust storms, but only in the desert, like in Iraq. But guess what? We were in Yerushalayim [Jerusalem], and although we don’t think about it as such, it is actually smack dab in the middle of a desert. We were in a neighborhood called Pisgat Ze’ev, where we were still struggling along with Ulpan, attempting to learn enough Ivrit to get along with the locals without spending the rest of our lives in class. We had been told that there could be a lot of dust in Yerushalayim, but breathing and tasting it was not something I was expecting. We had to wait about 45 minutes for our bus to come pick us up, and the bus stop we have to use is on a very windy corner. So we sat there, trying to breath, looking forward to the expected rain to clean up the air. Oh yes, in Israel “Geshem Tov” — rain is good. All summer there is not a drop of rain, and then during the few months of winter the ground needs to get enough rain soaked up to not only fill up the drinking water reservoirs, like the Kinneret (Sea of Galilee) but to allow trees and other green things to live through the summer. But geshem is more tov if you don’t have to wait on a windy corner for the bus for anything between 15 minutes and 2 hours. That’s for the special bullet-proof bus that takes us into our very own “disputed territory” and “home home on the yishuv [settlement].”We expected the air to be cleaner by the time we arrived at home on the mountain (it’s actually in the Judean Hills) but it was just as bad there, so we had to walk home breathing that stuff. That night it rained.

At Ulpan we were told about the Purim party were were going to have. Purim, as you probably know, is a holiday which has to do with the saving of the Jewish community in Persia. It’s main theme is “simcha” — happiness. During the week of Purim, everything is “b’simcha.” People dress up like everything from Bible Characters to TV Characters to angels and cowboys, eat a lot and drink alcoholic beverages a lot, and have a great time. Only there is a sad history to Purim which takes place in recent years. Israel used to have a country-wide celebration for Purim, which had to be stopped because of the terrorists. Some of the big cities still have their own celebrations, especially Yerushalayim, which celebrates on the 15th of Adar, “Shushan Purim” because it is (at least was) a walled city. The rest of the country, other than the walled cities, celebrates on the 14th. But here’s the kicker — all of the army, police, and volunteer units (including the “patrol groups” on the yeshuvim, have to go on major alert during the week of Purim because terrorists might take advantage of the fact that most people are in costume to sneak into Israel and kill as many Jews as they can. It’s sort of like in the U.S., people putting razor blades in apples on halloween, only here one bomb could kill or maim many people. So every clown could be an Arab killer, every firecracker could be a gunshot, and every day the supposedly elected government of Israel plays the world-wide politically correct game of politics and gives more Jewish land, land given by G-d to the Jewish people as an inheritance forever, to a bunch of people who would kill some of those cute little boys and girls I saw coming home from school that day all dressed up as fairies and queens and kings and soldiers and cowboys and whatever. Why would someone be so evil as to do that?

At that time the new “Palestinian” government went public with what we here in Israel already know – that to an Arab, and especially to a Moslem, one’s word means nothing. You can make all of the peace treaties and agreements you want with the Arabs, but, as they said this week, they will ignore any and all previous agreements that do not suite them. In other words, there is no way in the world that the Jews or any other civilized group of people can live in peace with the Arabs. Rabbi Kahane was right – Israel is for Jews, and Jews only. Get rid of the Arabs, move out the Christians, eliminate the cults, and make it what G-d said it should be — a country defined and controlled by His word – the Torah.

What Democracy?

It’s Yom Rishon. That’s Hebrew for “first day.” In English-speaking countries it’s called “Sunday,” or by those who know about pagan origin of these things, the “Day of the Sun.” Here in Israel the “first day” means the “first day.” Yom Rishon is a work day. Most things are closed on the sixth day (“Friday”) for two reasons. One, the Jews are preparing for the Shabbat (Sabbath), and two, the Muslims have taken the sixth day as their “sabbath” so as to be different than Jews or Christians. Anyway, I was going to write last night, after the end of Shabbat, but it became late and my mind was fuzzy.

It was a hard year for those of us who love Israel, because our supposed “democracy” has failed. Underneath the everyday workings of the Israeli society there is a mourning going on that will last much longer than a year. It is like the mourning one goes through when he or she loses a limb or other part of their body. Israel has lost some of its jewels and tens of thousands of Jews have been thrust into refugee status by their own government. By their own government! Sounds like what the Arab countries did to their own people to garner power as the “saviors” of the poor “Palestinian” people.

So what Jewish leader was the first Jew in history to make Jews into refugees? Why, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon – someone who not only helped to form this country, but was responsible for the building of many of the communities he destroyed. Now Olmert, the Sharon wannabe, says he eventually will do the same thing. Believe it or not, they are not insane. Just controlled like a puppet by thoseto whom oil is more precious than people.

The Israeli-type parliamentary government apparently doesn’t have enough checks-and-balances to keep crazy men like Sharon and Olmert from becoming dictators. And not benevolent dictators, either. Corrupt dictators in the model of Sadaam Hussein. One who is out only for saving his personal behind and that of his sons. Sharon went from being a pro-Zionist “mad dog” General to being the patsy for George Bush and the world-wide oil monopoly. Oh sure, George Bush did a good job of making us all think that his attachment to the oil industry and his friendship with the Saudi prince was incidental to his being President. But after he was elected the second time, and had nothing to lose, his true colors shone through. At first we questioned who was the puppet master pulling the strings of both George Bush and Ariel Sharon, and then we realized that the Arabs were pulling Bush’s strings, and Bush was pulling Sharon’s.

Yes, I know this is one of those conspiracy theories. But as they say, you’re not paranoid if someone is really after you. Conspiracy theories can be really conspiracy fact, and in this case it is looking more and more like we were duped. I was duped twice. Once for voting for Bush, and the second time for thinking I am moving to a democracy. A socialist one to be sure, but what I didn’t realize is that there is no connection between what the public wants and what the government officials do. That may be the most important character of a democracy, but in Israel it has been forgotten. Politicians here, even more than in the U.S. are only out for themselves. For power. For money. So what is the solution? Well, the first solution is to inhabit G-d’s land. Why is that first? Because the Bush/Sharon/Olmert debacle has convinced the Muslim terrorists that they have won. Yup, they think that the murder and mayhem they have been bringing to the world has succeeded in making the U.S. force Israel to give them land. Of course the Saudi princes and other Arab leaders know that it is actually the oil.

We need to show the world that we haven’t given up on Israel, and that we intend to bring so many people here that they will not be able to continue to win. How much land do they want? They want it all. In the near future I mean that they want all of Israel. They want to kill or remove all of the Jews, and make the entirety of G-d’s gift to Israel into an Arab Muslim state called Palestine. It’s not enough that they have been systematically destroying and removing evidence of the Holy Temples from the “Temple Mount.” They want all of Israel, and they want all of Jerusalem. And then they will continue their conquest of the rest of the world. Another conspiracy theory? No, their holy book and their clerics and their teaching and their statements say that the end result of their plan is to make the entire planet one Muslim state. And to do it they will convert or kill everyone. As they have been quoted as saying, “first the Saturday people and then the Sunday people.”

Shavuah Tov (Have a good week)

But It’s Been A Whole Year!

My wife and I “made aliyah” over a year ago. For my Gentile readers, “aliyah” literally means “go up” and what it really means is to move to Israel. And that actually means I am Jewish. Other people can move here too, but it’s harder. Jews are allowed to move here automatically under what is called the “Law of Return.”

What’s really hard about immigrating to the homeland is packing up everything you own in the “old country,” saying goodbye to your children and grandchildren, and moving to a country where you don’t know the language, the culture, the government, the bus system, etc. I mention the bus system because my wife Miryam and I have gotten lost a few times in Jerusalem. Even if we knew the language, they don’t announce the stops; you just have to recognize where you are or ask someone who might know. But without knowing the language, or at least very little, it is easy to get lost.

One example: we were in Jerusalem and trying to get to the “Central Bus Station” to catch the bus back to where we live. Over and over again we kept getting on a bus, missing the Bus Station, getting off in some neighborhood, crossing the street to get on the same bus route going the other way. Finally, after three or four times we met an Israeli soldier who is from America. He helped us to get to the Bus Station, and we were finally able to relax and catch our bus home.

It’s strange to think that it took us until our fifties to realize that we were in “exile.” All Jews who don’t live in the land of Israel are in exile. The Tanach (Jewish Bible) says so. So, does that fact eventually dawn on all Jews in places like America? No. That’s because there are two types of Jews. Yes, yes, you’ve heard hundreds of comparisons of different types of Jews. There are religious and moral differences, cultural differences, ethnic and even racial differences. On Pesach (Passover) we find the most famous comparison of four types of Jews, illustrated by the four sons. Well, I am here to make one more comparison.

My comparison is simpler. It is about two types of Jews who are different in the way they relate to the concept of aliyah. On one hand there are Jews who spend every last cent, give up all of the comforts of life in the United States or Canada, or wherever, and move to Israel, restarting life as a pioneer. On the other hand, there are Jews who say, “Yes, I know that anti-Semitism is rising all over the earth, I know it will get bad where I live, and I know that Jews should live in Israel, but I have a big house, and I have a well-paying job, and some of my children are afraid to leave their friends and to learn Hebrew, and it is just too inconvenient to interrupt our lives.”

Now, I do realize that the question of why some religious Jews choose to move to Israel and other do not, may be more complex than I can get into here. And certainly some people’s lives are more intricate and contain more dependencies than others, but my concern is with people who could make aliyah but don’t, for reasons of inconvenience.

Most Rabbis consider living in Israel a mitzvah (commandment or good deed). Why? Simply because G–d commanded the children of Israel to go into Canaan, to drive out anyone who happens to live there, divvy up the property to the tribes, and live there in perpetuity as an inheritance. He also warned that if the children of Israel do not drive out all of the inhabitants, those remaining and their descendants will be “as thorns in your eyes, and as pricks in your sides, and they shall harass you in the land wherein you dwell.” Well, as usual, G–d lives up to His end of the bargain. The descendants of the people who were allowed to stay in Canaan (its original name) are some of those who now send their children to blow themselves up to kill innocent Jewish men, women and children.

G–d gave the land of Canaan (soon thereafter called Israel because it belonged to the descendants of Israel (Jacob)) to the Jews as an inheritance. So again, why don’t all Jews, especially “Torah-true” Jews, move to Israel? There are many reasons, but I am mostly troubled by those who know it’s the right thing to do, and yet find many self-serving excuses not to do so. G–d gives us free will. He gives us the ability and the “right” to make all of the right and wrong choices, and then reap the consequences of those choices.

So the question is, “can people choose to reject an inheritance, even if it is given by G–d?” Of course they can. But no completely sane person would! If G–d has given us something, do you think it is a wise idea to reject it?

G-d is our father. He gives only good things to His children. Of course that means punishments as well as gifts, but all should be received with the attitude that G–d, the One who created everything, and keeps everything in the universe working, knows best! Don’t forget that G-d always answers prayer. But the answer is sometimes “No.”

Of course it is probably too late and a fantasy to consider the possibility of throwing the non-Jewish inhabitants of the land out of Israel, but that is what G–d commanded! Unless He does it for us, that would be impossible in this modern, “sophisticated” and politically-correct world of ours. But the entire Biblical Land of Israel belongs to the Jewish people. Even in the times of Kings David, Solomon and Herod, large parts of what now are Syria and Jordan were Israel!

Any fair research of history will show that in the wake of the holocaust, it was nothing short of a miracle that the modern State of Israel was created and has flourished as it has. So it cannot be doubted that G–d has reestablished the Holyland and given it back to the Jewish people.

Many believe that we are in the “birth-pangs” of the Messianic age, the coming of Messiah to fix what we have messed up. But do we expect to be included, do we expect to be treated like His sons and daughters, when we are sitting back and refusing to complete this mitzvah of aliyah? This is a test, and whether or not we pass depends on our willingness to help our people, our land, our inheritance to gain strength and become what G–d gave it to us to be – His holy land, the place where His Glory resides.

It’s not as hard as people might think to make aliyah. If you are a Jew and you are living anywhere but the Land of Israel, find out. Even if you aren’t ready, get the information. Check some web sites like Tehillah (Union for Religious Aliyah, http://www.tehilla.com) or Nefesh b’Nefesh (Jewish Souls United, http://www.nefeshbnefesh.org) or AACI (Association of Americans and Canadians in Israel, http://www.aaci.org.il) or the Israel Aliyah Center (http://www.aliyah.org). Or listen on the web to Israel National Radio (http://www.israelnationalradio.com). There’s a lot of information out there, and a lot of help. So check it out. Forget the excuses. It’s important to you, it’s important to your family, it’s important to the Jewish people, and it’s important to the holy Land of Israel.

More Later…

First Passover

In just a couple of days we will be celebrating our first Pesach (Passover) in Israel. For 50-some years I have heard, and read, and thought about the phrase near the end of the Pesach service which says “Next Year In Jerusalem!” I am told that here in Israel they say “rebuilt Jerusalem.” But for all of those years I wondered about who was supposed to go to Jerusalem, and why. My father certainly didn’t want to go, he was an “American First.” Me, as far as I can remember back I always thought I was a Jew first. I believed the Bible when it said that G-d gave Israel to the Jewish people as an inheritance, to possess and populate. My mother was a Zionist, and she almost took a trip to Israel once, but I never could figure out who were the people who were going to go to Jerusalem for Pesach, and when.

Last Pesach we were with the family. The part that has returned to true Judaism, anyway. It was a yearly occasion, and starting in January plans were already starting to be made about where it will be held, who would cook what, etc. It was a wonderful yearly family experience. And last Pesach at the end of the Seder we were so excited to say “Next year in Jerusalem.” We were making aliyah! We were fulfilling the dream of Jews all over the world for thousands of years to move to our Land. We were happy. We were celebrating. We gladly and happily cleaned and removed the chametz from the house. Then Pesach was over, and we went on with our aliyah plans.

We made aliyah in July 2005, so this will be our very first Pesach in Israel. How exciting! It’s now “This year in Jerusalem.”

But there’s no family to celebrate it here with. We’ll be going to the home of another Anglo couple for the Seder, but it won’t be the same. There won’t be the same songs from my grandchildren, the games and the multiple repetitions of the “Four Questions.” There won’t be their laughing faces, one year older, but still my little ones.

I guess I thought I could write more about this, but I can’t. Before I find that I can’t see the computer screen any more, I just want to say that my daily prayer truly is that soon they will realize that all Jews belong here, no matter how good life is where they are. And even this year at the end of the Seder I will say “Next Year In Jerusalem.” But it won’t be for me. It will be a prayer that my children and grandchildren will follow, will move to the Holy Land, the Promised Land, The Jewish Homeland. It will be a prayer so deep down in my soul that I don’t know how I’ll reach there and return, except for the hope that G-d will answer “yes” to my prayer and bring them all home.

Where Else But In Israel? by Miryam

I’m here only 4 months. Olah Chadasha I am called; a real novice in HaEretz, but at the same time, having the distinct sensation of being home.

Also being a recent baalat teshuvah, I’m still learning the ins and outs of my observance. So I say seemingly dumb things out of ignorance (not stupidity, there is a difference). I look at wonders like a child in awe of the big world around him. I’m a kid in an adult body in a candy store. Only the candy is not physically edible, it is spiritually edible. And I’m putting on weight rapidly!

Okay, so on the physical side; I’m learning to maneuver around Yerushalayim without a car, getting lost and disoriented along the way but enjoying the sights that unfold before my eyes. My feet, that’s another story. They are sore and ache but are blessed to walk on the Holy ground – even if they are paved over. I’m getting better at asking for directions but not so good at deciphering the answer – hence getting lost so often.

I’m currently in Ulpan where I am slowly learning Ivrit. It’s a “bubby-zadie” [grandmother-grandfather] type kita (class) .

I tried another Ulpan first but it was geared toward the young-up-and-coming-career-minded-person-who-can-handle-the-fast-paced-university-style-of-teaching. I admit it, I’m getting older and the brain just isn’t processing like it used to. Been there, done that – thank you very much – but no thanks! I like this Ulpan (even though it will continue for 10 months). HaMorah teaches us children’s songs, just my pace!

Everyone leaves the class tired (it’s only 3 ½ hours long) but with smiles on their beautiful, wrinkled faces!

I’m devouring books as quickly as I can. I’m hooked on a few certain web-sites that have opened my eyes to the spiritual side of my existence and the probable scenario of what happens next. The more knowledge I soak up the more clearly I can see and sense the urgency of teshuvah and Aliyah. And because I “just know” that time is winding down quickly, I have to share this with others.

So, back to the mundane for a bit. When I was “forced” into retirement last year, I was totally devastated. I lost my sense of identity, and income. After all, 32 years in the nursing profession defined who I was as a physical human being. But now, on the other side of this “early retirement” and over 1 year later, HaShem (G-d) is reshaping my identity, rebuilding my sense of worth and showing me what I can do to still help care for other people.

Well, life is still somewhat of a struggle, learning to live without the material indulgences. Not having a car, not much of an income, no television (our choice).

These are the little things that in the long run don’t add up to anything meaningful anyway. I have a coffee mug with a hand-drawn stick-picture of a child holding the hand of an adult and a poem. It reads:

“A hundred years from now…it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child”.

Isn’t that beautiful? That’s the way I feel, especially now. So what happens when you are the child and HaShem is the adult (which is the relationship, you know)? He’s making our world different when we learn from Him. And we get a little candy, too!

Last week I was walking in the Ben-Yehudah area of Yerushalayim with a friend from the States. She was visiting her son who made Aliyah recently and was doing teshuvah.

What a blessing in itself.

As we were walking and talking, we began to hear some music. It was getting louder and had a very joyful – no, jubilant sound. A crowd was gathering in the street, laughing, clapping and happy shouts of praise were heard. Then we saw it! A big van with huge speakers mounted on top, and in front of the slowly inching vehicle were 4 or 5 Chasidic looking men dancing and jumping and singing with the music. They were all over the place! And they had the whole street full of people jumping, clapping, and singing with them! It was quite a sight to behold and hear!! We were caught up in it. I felt so good and knew that this was a small piece of spiritual candy that my Abba [Father] gave me for a treat!!

What could be next?………………………………………….